My Incredible Hulk Baby will have none of your Insolence

I have talked to people. I have watched Youtube videos. I have read a few (one) baby books. Everything I have ever been told about swaddling newborns is that they love it because it simulates being in the womb and it will totally calm them down and help them sleep. Well, as she has been known to do since she burst onto the scene, Lucy is flipping the script on all of us so called grown ups and bringing the real talk back to the streets. “Swaddle? Maybe instead I will grip your face with my INCREDIBLE BABY STRENGTH and start bashing you til you get it right old man!” When Lucy doesn’t get what Lucy wants…Lucy ANGRAAAAAAAAY! Can you see the twinkle in my eye? Watching her work these past couple of days I can see that I have clearly passed on the most distinctive Varela trait in our bloodline. Pure, unmerciful RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!



Like Vito Corleone said to Michael all those years ago, “I didn’t want this life for you.” I was hoping it would skip a generation or be dormant in the female species of Varela, but as I watch her Hulk rage grow stronger every day I only hope I can teach her to harness its power. I don’t know why we are like this. I have been involved in numerous (mostly avoidable) confrontations in my life because I have some burning within my soul to give my opinion where it has not been requested. Not to mention I have no patience for anything and a gross inability to control the volume of my voice when I am excited/annoyed. Surprise! It doesn’t always go well. And the Force is strong with young Lucy.



Currently she doesn’t understand the forces of her own nature, and like her daddy before her this can be to her detriment. The swaddling thing, I get. She’s not a big fan. But sometimes she IS (being finicky is another Varela special). But since we can’t communicate the only way I can find out if she wants to be swaddled is to do so, pick her up and start rocking her. If she doesn’t calm down within 5 minutes or so I know that’s my cue to get her arms free before she frees them herself and makes me PAY FOR MY INSOLENCE. She has a pretty sweet move actually. She seems to like it when I whisper in her ear while trying to calm her down. This works most of the time. But when she doesn’t want to be swaddled she will play possum and just cry for a minute and wait for me to put my face down by hers. Then she drops the hammer! Those arms come out and the next thing I know I’m on the Cobra Clutch train to Haymaker city. I never see it coming, and it is my understanding that most babies are not this violent. I’ve also been punished for not being Mommy when it is time to eat.



Now this is all justifiable in my book, but then I will see her fighting at the wrong time, and realize this is where she will need my help. And honestly I am really hoping for a student-becomes-the-teacher moment sometime around 12 years old because I am terrible at this as well. She has not learned to harness her considerable feistiness and pick her spots to unleash the beast within. Like when she is hungry. Clearly the problem here is that there is not milk in her mouth at that moment. Rather than give a good cry and open up sometimes it’s more like, “Someone better get over here and give me some milk. There’s not milk in my mouth. GAAAAAHHHH, RAAAAAAAGE!” Then she’s over there pushing and Cobra Clutching poor Pam who is merely trying to give her exactly what she wants. Reel it in little girl. Reel it in.



We’ll see. I’m sure she will learn there is a time and a place for Hulk rage, but for now…Put up your dukes old man. Cause one of us is getting some milk and a nap. The other one is getting mushed. Guess which one is you…

Baby Time

Ok, here we go again. This will be my third attempt at keeping up a blog, so I am not making any promises. Not that you were asking for any. The reason I have not been a good blogger is that I am largely uninteresting, but now we have a new caveat. Lucia Jane Varela. She's only 5 days old but people seem to be very interested in her, and with good reason. Babies are facinating. Everything she does is catagorically awesome because she has never done anything.

I will warn you right now that this is going to be one of those blogs by a new parent that thinks every mundane thing his baby does is completely fucking amazing. I won't neccessarily always talk about Lucy, but she is the star of the show and the only interesting thing about me. So expect a heavy dose of, "Oh man, you should have seen what she did today. Totally picked her nose. You should have been there. Classic!"

Speaking of which, we found out today that our daughter is the strongest baby EVER. Was she exposed to gamma radiation in the womb? Bitten by a radioactive spider? I don't know, but how do you explain the massive sideways pullups she was doing at the doctor's office today? Huh? I wasn't there but apparently she was grabbing onto the bars of the crib/table apparatus at the doctors office and pulling herself up and down the table, which the doc said she had never seen before in her life. So Lucy is already changing the game on 'em and I totally missed it! Oh well, there will be more. Apparently newborns aren't aware of their limbs, but my little girl's already way past that noise. Her pimp hand is already strong and she's already doing (something that looks like) pull ups. Ballin.

The first few days of parenthood have been awesome. And not awesome. Pretty much what you would expect. She likes to eat, doesn't like to sleep, is super duper cute, kinda loud, very sweet and so DEMANDING. But it has been altogether educational. I have already learned so many things.

Like that I don't know the lyrics to any songs. Babies like singing. More specifically, they like whoever is holding them to be singing. It must be a the way your chest vibrates or something, but I have learned that singing does the trick. I don't mess around with kids songs because I feel like it is my responsibility to introduce her to the good music. Doesn't matter that she is 5 days old. She should be listening to The Black Keys. And aparently so should I, because everytime I break into a song I get the chorus and the first line then start mumbling nonsense to the tune of whatever I am trying to sing. I can't even get the ones that EVERYONE has heard millions of times. I couldn't even remember the every-little-thing-is-gonna-be-alright, Bob Marley song. I've heard that song litteraly hundreds of times. Can't get past the 3 little birds part before its, "*mumble, mumble* Tis is my message to you u u." I'm and idiot.

OK, I won't get too wordy on the first post, but expect more soon. For now, here are some pictures of the little superstar.